My Premmie Boys Journeys

They Call It The “First Birthday Blues.”

A Child’s first birthday is a time to remember their first year and to also celebrate their birth. For Premmie mums this time is an emotional one. I remember Brendan’s entry into the world, I remember his first 15 mins of life and how he almost didn’t make it, I remember his struggle to stay alive.

At 6:30pm on the 10th of Feb is a date for me to remember, it’s the date my “normal” pregnancy turned into a “high risk” pregnancy. It’s the date that I went from being happily pregnant to worried and scared, it was the day my waters broke, at 28 weeks gestation. I remember being so calm and excited on my trip to the hospital, little did I know how serious my situation was. I was on my way to KEMH in Perth, they knew I was coming. I walked into the main entrance and went around to the emergency department. My mum was with me and she told the lady at the desk who I was. Immediately I was told to get into a wheelchair and a nurse came out and took me straight up to the “monitoring room.”

I remember starting to get a little worried when Drs and Midwives were poking me with needles and taking tests. I was given my first shot of steroids within 30 mins of being in the “monitoring room.” Within the first hour I was seen by an Obstetrician and a Neonatologist. They were explaining to me what would happen to my baby if “it” was to be born then. At 28 weeks gestation “it” had a good chance at survival, but the road to survival would be a tough one. I was told that I would be in the hospital until my baby was born and then my baby would be here until “it” reached term. My whole world sank, why had this happened? What have I done wrong? So many questions and the drs have no answers.

My baby is getting closer to his first birthday and I can’t bear to look at his hospital photos without shedding a tear. Every day I think about his journey, everyday I sit and wonder what I had done wrong. My body had failed my son and I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. I am unhappy, I am depressed, I am blaming myself for things out of my control, I am emotional and crying most of the time and I am feeling guilty for my baby’s birth. I have done nothing wrong, I did everything I was supposed to. I know that, but I cannot help but feel the way I do. There was no reason as to why this happened to me, the drs told me “it is just one of those things.”

~Bumps and Bruises~

Brendan gave me the BEST new years present ever. He started to crawl, followed very closely by sitting, followed by kneeling and just recently standing!!! While all this moving about is very exciting I am coming across a new set of emotions. My lil man is now bumping into things, falling over and pulling things over. He has bumps and bruises and even some cuts. It is really hard to sit and watch him fall over and hurt himself, it’s even harder that I wasn’t quick enough to protect him.

~TTC #2 AUG 08~

I can’t believe that I am actually going to do this to myself, but yes TTC #2! I’m excited yet nervous and scared!

*UPDATE* On our 3rd month trying Nigel and I would like to announce our pregnancy! BFP on the 12/11/08, currently due 16 July 09.

~Brendan’s First Sleepover~

Brendan had his very first sleepover on Nov 14th 2008. He slept over at his grandma’s house so I could get some things doe around the house.